I found this quote from Winston Churchill on the Lyme Disease Research Database website.
“When you’re going through hell, keep going.”
Indeed, I am going through hell, but I plan to keep going.
It’s become more and more clear to me that past few months that the Lyme Disease has exacerbated both my Bipolar Disorder symptoms and my Asperger Syndrome symptoms. I’m not the same person I was even a year ago. I don’t even make sense to myself some days, let alone others. I used to speak about the “holes” in us that Jesus fills with Himself. These days, it seems I am just one gynormous hole.
I’ve been reading up about “lyme rage” and also how the Lyme spirochetes can take hold of you in areas where you have a preexisting condition and worsen them. I don’t know how to describe what is happening to me except to say that it seems clear to me that the Lyme Disease has worsened my brain problems.
I was diagnosed with late-stage Lyme Disease one year ago this month, after having tested positive on the blood test, was given the antibiotic treatment but it was basically fruitless except that I did improve enough to get out of the wheelchair I was in. I can walk now, but my brain symptoms have only gotten worse.
The personality changes are such that my kids will tell you that I have become “like a kid” in that I am very happy, bubbly, carefree and simple with them. On the other hand, I’ve lost just about every adult friend I have because of my rude tone. I can maintain a normal conversation with someone for a pretty good while, but for the most part, I’m not “me” anymore.
I know the love of Jesus in all this, but there is a lot of pain of losing almost every friend I have, because they won’t have anything to do with me. Also, I am thankful for the closeness and love I have with my kids, which is even greater now than before. I don’t know what God has in store for me, but I know that Jesus is in it and that is why my heart is on fire with His love right now, and always. My head is in pretty bad shape, though, and I apologize for not being “me” anymore and not being able to write on the level that I was before.
As a Passionist, I know that I am in the best place I could be right now. I confess, though, that I miss my friends.